Conker All Evil

So, it's that time of year again. The rain comes and the sneaky spiders of the world decide that the great indoors are better than the great outdoors. Imagine this: a hard day at work, driving home in the rain with little hope of ever seeing the sun again until...well, who the hell knows! You get out of your car, run and put the heating on, make yourself a nice dinner then snuggle under a blanket on your sofa. Sounds like heaven. But then, out of nowhere a giant eight legged beast runs across your living room floor striking fear into the hearts of all in it's path. Now, at this point, the audience will be split. Like my Nana always used to say, "don't worry, they won't hurt you, and they eat flies". What a proverb. Flies, aside, I'm telling you when I jump up that fast you can pretty much guarantee I'm going to get hurt. In addition to bashing one of my flailing limbs on the furniture, there's the sheer mental anguish that ensues from one of these confrontations. This is where the annual ritual of spider-proofing comes in.

Picture this: a couple walking hand in hand through the park when one cries "look, conkers!" And there they were, like manna from heaven. Be still my beating heart. So, like the squirrel just across the path from us (incidentally, it looked like he was spider proofing his home too. I saw him patting his little hands over a leaf. The erudite among us understood, he was hiding little conkers.) we gathered up those sweet horse chesnuts. With my pockets full, we ventured home.

For those of you who haven't heard about the conker's magical powers and are hugely confused, I suggest you visit google then come back. For the skeptics, all I can say is: I'll try anything!!! Personally, I think it works. Now, whether that's because deep in my subconscious I believe that the conkers are keeping spiders away therefore I'm less likely to see any; or because conkers are actually magic and they deter spiders; or because there's some yacky chemical that spiders hate: I don't care! Anything is better than living in spider town. Back to the original story...

Today was the day. Operation Conker was set in motion. Armed with the hoover (just in case) and my conkers, I set out into the world of the spider. Venturing into the darkest corners, nooks and crannies, ready to face the creatures of the deep. I pulled back the draft excluder, which had spent it's summer pressed against the wall, and jumped for my life: hiding in a little cranny of it's own was a dreaded spider! Thank God I'd brought the hoover. I maniacally released the nozzle, powered it up and sucked the dreaded beast into the abyss. However, the abyss isn't so 'abyss-ey' given my hoover is a Dyson so I kept it going for a while, watching the dirt whirl around until I was sure the spider had breathed it's last. Battle over. Banana, one: spiders, nil. I couldn't let this little scare stop me, I was sure he was a decoy, sent to prevent Operation Conker from continuing. Nevertheless, the show must go on. So on I went, hoovering and conkering until each corner of my house was covered.

I can now snuggle under my blanket in peace, safe in the knowledge that my house is manned by those little, round, incredibly brave, spider-fighting-soldiers. Conkers, I salute you!